omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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