I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
