Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
