I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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