I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
