i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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