i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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