So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
