he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
