I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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