Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
