I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
