Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
