1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
