Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
