Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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