she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
