Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I touched a dick in church today
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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