this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
