Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
