Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
