I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
