Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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