Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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