All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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