i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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