I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
