Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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