When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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