DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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