4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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