he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
