what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
