Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
