I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
