I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
