I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
