zippers are such a cool invention
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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