I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
