I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
