Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
