i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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