I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
