You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
