THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
