an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
