I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
