Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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