Joe is yelling at the trees again.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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