dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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